Selfish or Self-Preservation

My ex-husband visits our daughters maybe a couple of hours a month.  He is the most thoughtless person I know, thinking only of what he wants and not the context in which he hopes to achieve his wants.  Recently he was diagnosed with Lymphoma.  To put this in context, he has known he has something for 6-8 months but because he doesn’t have insurance and barely has enough money to pay for his things, he said he could not afford to go to the doctors.  This is his excuse.  

Several months ago I told him that doctors cannot refuse service in a hospital.  I pay my taxes so he may as well go and consider my tax dollars being used for him.  He ignored me.    Over Memorial Day weekend he was with his girlfriend and almost passed out.  Being diabetic, he had an extremely high blood sugar spike.  Waking up in the hospital as a result of that incident, he learned of his lymphoma.

Last weekend he asked if he could come over and see the girls.  I said, “Fine.”  I don’t want to deny my daughters the right to see their father. 

My ex-husband used to be a big man - 6’3”,  240lbs, muscular.  The person who walked through my door, shuffled his feet, walked slowly and was very thin and frail.  His breathing was labored and he told me the lymphoma is pressing on his carotid artery which means he is a high risk for a stroke.

I was going to run some errands while he was visiting the kids, but I decided against that idea because he looked so bad that I feared something might happen with him while I was away.  Instead I did some things around the house.  All the while, the kids kept saying, “Daddy, you are old.”  Whereupon he kept replying, “I’m only 3 years older than your mom.”  Then they would say, “She is young.”

As I continued to listen to my ex’s woes including how miserable he is in his relationship, I set sail on the sea of an internal struggle.    Why did I feel pulled to offer my extra room to this man?  And why at the same time, I didn’t want to?  Why did I want to help him get out of his situation with his girlfriend and then help him get on his feet?  What was this need I had that urged me to offer him a place to stay while he looked for an apartment?  Why was I called to do everything in my power to rescue him when a few years ago I rejected him in a divorce?

The moment passed.   I said nothing and he left.  

But I was angry – oh so angry.  I was angry at him for trying to work his “pity party” on me, and I was angry at myself for being emotionally vulnerable to that again even though I know from hard experience that it doesn’t work.  I end up resenting him and hating myself.  I had felt “in Technicolor” the pull of wanting to put on the comfortable Birkenstocks and pad around the house caring for him.

I realized that there is a natural pull for me to nurture when it looks like it is needed, but I wanted to block that this time – not merely for my own well-being, but to help my oldest daughter Abby gain some control of her vulnerability to the same siren call – which my ex elicits from her when he pulls out his wallow of self-pity.  I was protecting my kid from their dad’s bad behavior as well as fighting the internal struggle.  I am resolved now, not angry, and most importantly, not sacrificing my important value for some lesser one.   

Getting present to the struggle of these conflicting values freed me.  I was aided by a conversation I had just had with a friend about self-preservation and selfishness.  I had wondered how I could be selfish and my ex be selfish, but for two different and opposing reasons which set up the clash of the Titans, so to speak.   

I can see how people get their feathers ruffled over the selfish conversation.  I held it that selfishness can lead to sacrificing.  Thinking more, I realized “self-preservation” is a word that conveys more the sense of self I like - preserving you, the wholeness of you, the integrity of you.  

I went and soaked in the tub and I realized that not-sacrificing is very important to me, and to me that is self-preservation.  Preserving me, my identity, my Self, my being who I am and what I love about me.  Yes, I can be selfish sometimes in the small sense of that word, but I choose to be self-preserving all the time.    

What a great sense of satisfaction I have for resolving this piece of the puzzle that I truly believe was a big part of my anger for everything.  I think this was the last part of my ex that I was allowing to get to me and that is key too - I was allowing it.

Have your voice heard, Vote in this election

Friends and Family, if you are going to vote in the next election really think about who you want in office. Everyone wanted change and look at what has happened to our econmoy. Do you really want other humans that believe in force to continue to run our country and create regulations and rules that apply to us but not them? I ask to open your mind and just look and see what Gary Johnson has to offer. You may not agree 100% but do you agree 100% with the other parties too? This is a big decision coming up with who is going to run our country. Are we going to keep letting government get bigger or are we finally going back to what our forefathers wanted, freedom. Why our parents, grandparents, ancestors came to this country for a better life do we have it? Better than what now a days? I'm just saying…think about and learn about the other options that exist. When you buy a new car you research, when you buy big ticket items you research, this is about freedom and our economy our country, do you not find value in where you live?

When LIFE!?. Happens all at once

These past few months have been one of the biggest rollercoaster rides I've been on in a very long time.  From moving homes again, being diagnosed with breast cancer, possible career changes, an 8 year old daughter that has started her life cycle of change (aka menstral cycle), an ex-husband diagnosed with lymphoma, and financial distress.  All these things just happened.  Like I woke up one day and POW!  Life!!!! hit and it hit hard.

When life hits me I know I look at it as growth and new opportunities to expand my knowledge and add another facet to my wonderful life.  I will say that all has turned out very well and I am cancer free.  I went through a slight depression and all the grieving that goes along with cancer but not as extensive as it could have been.  I think what amazes me the most is others reactions when I would go to the doctors ALONE.  Even the doctors, asking me is there someone here with you.  No, I am a strong person and I didn't want to bring anyone with me.  Not that I didn't have anyone that would go with me, because I have great friends, but I didn't see the need for them to be there.

My desire for support comes in celebration.  Celebrating LIFE! is what I like not the sympathy and the trauma that you endure while going through this event.  I am different in that and my friends respect my decision.  I was the support for my kids as well.  I wanted them to know mommy wasn't well but I also didn't want to stress them out because I saw that they were a little distressed about mommy.  They both stated I do not like to see mommy sick.  This opened up great conversations about being human and mortality.

The kids see their dad and how he is with his illness and it is completely opposite of me.  Most people had no idea I was sick or had breast cancer.  I was vivacious and as positive as I could be because I WANTED to be not because I was putting on aires.  I am now at the point where I can work out again and I am feeling stronger and healthier everyday.

I have goals in my life, and right now one goal is by December 15, 2012 I want to be able to do 3 sets of 10 pull ups.  I have never been able to pull myself up even as a kid being a chunky kid and now that is a goal for me.  I go to the gym everyday with my kids setting an example of health and exercise.  The other goal is to really decide what I want in a career.  I have so many dreams and desires, but what truly makes me happy?  That is something I am pondering and seeking and writing about.

The answer is coming a long very well actually will probably have an answer very soon and then I can put that goal to bed.  The final goal I have is financial freedom.  I am slowly starting to pay off old debt the last bit of it and starting to save.  My goal is to have $5,000 in a savings liquid cash at my disposal any time by the end of the year.  I have retirement that I do not touch, I do not have credit cards anymore if I can't pay cash I don't need it.

I had a savings then I got divorced and ended up using it for all things related to divorce and moving.   I love my life very much and to be honest wouldn't trade it for anything.  All my experiences and friends, old and new, that enhance who I am that is great.  All the wonderful conversations that I've had this past year and all the new exciting philosophical individuals that I have met is amazing.  I have expanded my horizon and continue to meet new people.

If you are not experiencing LIFE!?., the way you would like, you can change it.  Do something out of your box.  I was talking to someone about don't put me in a box and I said really I am not in a box, I have maybe one side to it but other than my box is open and I love it  as it allows for free flowing thoughts and ideas.

What about you, where are you in your Life?  Are you happy in your box?  Do you have a box?

Whatever your answers as long as they are reflected in your moral code and value, that is where you can begin if you are wanting to change.